Goodbye is Something I Will Never Say to You

Since October is always a time to remember the lives of babies that were miscarried or stillborn,  I could not let it pass without mentioning this painful topic.  There are two Christian families on television that have shared their journeys down this road.  Michelle Duggar, Anna Duggar, Kelly Jo Bates and Erin Bates Paine have all discussed their miscarriages.
In the 19 Kids and Counting episodes about Jubilee the family noted how everyone grieves differently.  I personally thought that was great to mention.  I have heard too many told to “get over it” and “you can have another one”.  It does not matter how many children you have there is always an empty seat at holiday dinners and in your heart for the lost baby.  The fact the family never forgets baby Caleb is proof of that.
Jill Duggar Dillard and her husband Derick received a lot of complaints because she announced her pregnancy so soon.  I admired her reasoning and I will paraphrase what she said at the time.  All babies are important.  Even if you miscarry.  It is important to celebrate life.  What an important point to make in a world where women are told, “You should not announce to soon.  What  if something happens?”  Please don’t put those kind of thoughts in a pregnant women’s head.  You have no clue when you say it how many miscarriages the person has seen or had.
On Bringing Up Bates last season we witnessed Chad and Erin Paine’s issues with fertility.  We saw the tears she cried for her babies in heaven.  We heard her parents and siblings talk of the agony of seeing her miscarry.  She worked  on a baby shower for her sister-in-law when in her heart we know she was aching for the children that she lost.  I remember her dad, Gil saying it was harder to see her walk that path than to go down it himself when he and Kelly Jo had experienced it.  When Erin got to experience the joy of a shower of her own two balloons were released to heaven to celebrate the babies she never got to hold.
While I have never had a miscarriage myself I have been down that road with several friends.  I will end this blog with a poem I wrote for a dear friend of mine.  First I will tell you a little of her story.  Her last three pregnancies she told very few people about.  Her fifth one she said she was not going to plan for because she would be less disappointed if the baby was not born.

If you have lost a child I want to share with you the one thing that I have repeated to her so many times.  “It was not your fault.”  Of course those words have also been told to her husband as each one blamed themselves for something neither could control.  Folks told them God needed the baby more than they did.  Please never say that to parents, who are grieving the loss of their child.

Be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to hear.  Pray without ceasing.  Be available day and night.  There were days I dropped everything because she called and said her husband was at work and she just could not function.  She was depressed.  She needed the love of God.  So our girls would play and she would talk.  She poured out her heart and tears.  I would pray to God to ease her pain.

I thank God that the little girl she has, who doctors say she is lucky to have, is here.  The times when I have been with her to doctors’ appointments I have pointed out that luck has nothing to do with it.  She may never have another child but taking care of that one has kept her going many days.

Goodbye is Something I Will Never Say to You

The day I found out you were on the way my heart was filled with so much joy

It did not matter to me whether you would by a girl or a boy

I watched you grow on an ultra sound screen

I heard and saw your heart beating beneath mine

then came the day my dream turned into a nightmare

and I was filled with a pain so hard to bear

The doctor said I am sorry there is nothing we can do

this baby is not viable  You will have to tell it goodbye

That is something I will never say

I know when my life reaches its end

and I get to heaven

I will hold you in my arms

and whisper mama is here

No I never got to sing you a lullaby

but together we will sing with the saints on high

in the sweet bye and bye

I wondered if would look like me or your daddy

what would be the color of your eyes

whose smile would you have

I decorated your room in my mind

started to collect sweet baby things

such plans I had for you

those dreams won’t be realized

I will box up your belongings

Sweet baby of mine I won’t say good-bye to you

No that is something I will never do

for someday by God’s grace and that alone

I will hold you flesh of my flesh bone of my bone

No I never got to sing you a lullaby

but together we will sing with angels in the sky

where we will part nevermore

on God’s beautiful shore


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